I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
