He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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