I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
