a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
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