what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
