I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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