I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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