So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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