Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
