I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
