RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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