I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
