so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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