He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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