Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
time to smoke my breakfast
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
