You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
