You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
