How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
