Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My life is pants optional.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
