Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
