Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
