Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
