Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Randomize
