my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
