I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She told me I should be a condom model.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
