I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
