She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
