So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
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how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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