also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
