im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
