I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
is it fun? or sober?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
