Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
