I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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