I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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