I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
