Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize