I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
