i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
