Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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