you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
