So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
