Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.