i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Are my feet made of real feet?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
