My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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