I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
