Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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