Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
