i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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