i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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