please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
