Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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