At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
how drunk are you?
Several
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
