i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
