wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
