I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
