I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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