we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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